In response to a post about how our society does not properly acknowledge grief and loss, I made the following addition to a thread on the Young Widow Bulletin Board:

It is hard not to be self-centered when we are in the middle of so much pain. We cry, we fret about people that don't get it, we complain when people don't know how to talk to us and say the wrong thing (or nothing at all). It is all natural and expected, because it is all so personal.

I have come to the conclusion, however, that there is something unreasonable in expecting them to get it or know what to say or do. So I have set out on an education campaign with anyone that will listen.

I tell people at work that I couldn't come in yesterday because I didn't have the will to get out of bed until mid-afternoon. I tell them they have no idea how vast and total the loss is, and I then reassure them that I know this because before losing Suzy, I had no idea either. If someone asks me to a social event I am not well enough to attend, I politely say I am not ready yet, but beg them to please remember me in a couple weeks or months in case I am feeling better and can join them. I apologize if I am caught staring at the wall or the floor and then explain whatever it was I was thinking or feeling; then I tell them how frequently I think or feel such things. I have also been telling some of our stories and posts, some of the horrors and trials we so articulately relate on this board. I tell them how fast our numbers grow, and explain that we are probably only the tip of the iceberg, the people savvy enough to find each other on the internet.

Most people start out looking mighty uncomfortable hearing such things, but I can usually get them past that to a state of morbid curiosity. Everyone that has ever been married has asked themselves, "What would I do if my spouse died." We can start to make them see some answers to that question. They start to ask more questions about things that they don't understand, and become more comfortable as I make my best effort to give them an understandable answer. I always tell the truth. On the occasions I find enjoyment or humor in something, I will tell them that, as well. Other people seem to enjoy "widowbrain" stories just as much as we do.

There are always those that are not interested in hearing anything I have to say, because it reminds them of their own mortality and the fragility of life. I don't worry about these people, their denial will probably haunt them in the end. The people who do listen seem comforted that I am thoughtful about my situation and even a little relieved to have had a glimpse of what being widowed is like without having to go through it themselves, at least not yet.