Let's Get the Guns!

In the aftermath of the tragic shootings in New York and Texas, I see a lot of people on Facebook and Twitter that are very sure that if we ban guns this sort of thing will stop. Taking them at their word I say sure, let’s do it! Ban them all! Here’s a step-by-step guide describing how we go about it.

1. Before we can do anything, we must repeal the Second Amendment. This will require ratification by 3/4ths of the state legislatures, or 38 states. And we need to get started now, because states like Texas, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Vermont, and Nevada are going to be a tough sell on this one. California, New York, New Jersey, and Illinois will probably go for it pretty quickly, but it’s going to be a long haul everywhere else. And once we have succeeded in repealing the second of the original 1791 Bill of Rights, we are just getting started.

2. 45 states have gun rights written into their state constitutions. So, having successfully repealed the federal right to bear arms, we are going to have to start in at the state level, convincing people all across the country to give up their freedoms, again in places like Montana, Wyoming, Alaska, and Kentucky. Hawaii and Massachusetts should be pretty simple though. One would think that a place like Connecticut might be ready to go along as well, but consider this: Connecticut required residents to register their “assault weapons” way back in 2013, and out of an estimated 372,000 such weapons, approximately 50,000 (or 14%) were registered. This is a remarkably low compliance rate for a reliably blue state, and we’re not talking registration this time, we’re talking elimination, and we're not talking assault weapons, we're talking all weapons! So we’re going to have to do a lot better, even in the blue states.

3. Pass laws banning firearms. Having successfully repealed the second amendment and its state counterparts, we will have to pass laws outlawing firearms. That will entail electing A LOT of anti-gun legislators at the federal level and even more at the state level. We better start fundraising right now, because we are going to have to win thousands of elections at all levels of government to get this thing done.

4. Let’s go get ‘em! Having completed steps 1 through 3, it’s time to collect the firearms, all 400 million of them. And it won’t be easy. First we will have to go door to door, searching every home and apartment without a warrant. We simply don’t know who owns all these guns, so there is no probable cause to search any specific location or residence: we’ll simply have to search them all: every home, apartment, condo, backyard shed, and storage unit. And this will be a very dangerous task, given that people won’t want to simply hand over their guns. We will have to send legions of heavily armed federal and state law enforcement officers door to door, confiscating weapons at gunpoint in many cases. Remember the Charlton Heston “from my cold dead hands” crowd? They really mean that. Furthermore, this gun search and seizure regime will necessarily include every minority community and subsidized housing project, and that won't go over very well. We will also need a national “stop and frisk” law to successfully confiscate weapons from gang bangers, homeless folks, Antifa types, BLM members, and various other street people. The ACLU won’t be happy about any of this of course, but it must all be done to protect the children.

So let’s get started! No more talk about “doing something” or “military grade weapons of war.” No more making fun of under-endowed men or joking about shooting deer wearing kevlar vests. Let’s do what it takes to make this happen!

Hat tip for a more thorough and snarky version of this same idea: Charles Cooke