Survivor Palau: Episode 9

It's 8 PM and we have a dilemma: the Yankees are trailing the Red Sox 4-1 in the third. If it were September that would be a no-brainer, but this is April, so screw the boys of early spring, let's go to Palau.

Night 21 and Steph is alone with the crabs. The crabs and the cameramen, soundmen, gaffers, etc. Anyway, she manages to stoke the fire and fret about her situation admirably.

Day 22 dawns to find Steph chopping coconuts and worrying about starving to death while eating the coconut. As if the crew would watch her die and walk away.

Day 22 at Koror is in sharp contrast, as Coby brushes his teeth while Ian complains about Coby's attitude and Janu's lethargy. Coby, to whom I now regret giving props last week, is impossible. Entrepreneur that he is, though, he manages to open a hair-care salon for Caryn and proceeds to dish as he rinses.

Back to Steph, who, failing to find fish, is now trying to knock coconuts out of trees with a stick. Failing that as well, she climbs the tree and wrenches a coconut out by hand; this is one tough cookie. And, might I add, one hot mama.

Tree mail arrives at Ulong Steph's place instructing her to hightail it over to Koror. At this point I realize for the first time that Steph is wearing diamond stud earrings. I suppose I was blinded by the underwire bra and the short shorts until now. Still, I wonder why she didn't hand those earrings to a crew member to hang on to until the end.

There is something endearing aboout this woman, or at least she is edited that way. Tough as nails at every turn, she tears up at the prospect of having friends. I suspect this is more an editing trick intended to lock us into her story than it is a reflection of Steph's superhuman capabilities. Still, I'm pulling for her, and as she paddles alone across the South Pacific, I can't help but think that the pampered and idle women of Koror are in for a shock when good ol' Steph arrives.

Steph, who has been up for hours getting mail, collecting her stuff, and paddling her canoe, strolls into Koror and rousts the entire camp out of a tropical stupor. Seriously. They are all just lying around. Group hugs ensue, and Steph is now a member of Koror.

The girls waste no time getting catty, and I have no tolerance for transcribing girl talk, so I shant.

Coby, for his part, joins in the girl talk, opining "Katie shot up Stephenie's butt" and generally carrying on worse than the women. Coby is plucking my last nerve, and I wonder if this is another editing ploy.

It appears that the reward challenge was Steph's paddle over to Koror, as a couple local Palauns arrive to teach the tribe how to fish. Their English is remarkably good, and my wife speculates that these "natives" are a product of central casting.

Long story short (and I mean l o o o n g - this is the most boring segment of Survivor ever) the Palauns teach the tribe to catch bait and then catch fish with the bait. The backstory is that Coby again gets whiny and pouts.

After the Palauns teach Tom, Ian, and Gregg to fish from the outrigger, the crew returns to camp with a feast of fish and bottles of rum. Now this gets my attention. And Tom's as well; he gets ploughed like the good Irish fireman that he is. Not just tipsy. We're talking staggering, slurring, falling down wasted.

Day 24 finds Koror honing their fishing skills and Tom a little sheepish about the previous night's bacchanal. The Palauns go on their way to great fanfare from the tribe and considerable bullsh*t from Tom, who feigns honor for the knowledge of the locals.

Coby continues to dish, calling Steph over to bring her on board the gossip train. Steph immediately gives up everything he tells her to Jen and Steph. As everyone tries to figure out what to do with Steph, Tom reassures her that she still has friends. Steph has some figuring out to do.

Time for immunity challenge, which is now individual. The challenge is the old warhorse perch standing game, last one standing on a 12" circle 6 feet above the water wins.

Up they climb, time passes, Probst lounges in a beach chair, and the contestants look pained. After an hour of this nonsense, Probst breaks out the donuts, and Coby and Janu pack it in for the food.

Into the evening they go, taunted incessently by Coby, who has become even more obnoxious. Does he not realize that his puzzle solving skills, once a tribal asset, are now an individual threat? Why would anyone want to keep this guy around?

At 2 1/2 hours, Probst brings on chocolate chip cookies and milk, which are too much for Gregg, Jen, Kim, and Ian. Jen and Kim are in the water before Probst can finish saying "cookies."

Only Tom, Steph, and Caryn remain at their posts.

Tom, who last night was the drunk Irishman, tonight proclaims himself to be the stubborn Irishman. Finally, at 3 hours it is dark, Steph can barely keep her shorts up (pleez, pleez I say to myself, but to no avail) and Probst produces a pizza. That's just too much for Caryn and Steph, so Tom wins immunity.

Tribal Council and Probst probes. Coby thinks he is running this show, Janu thinks she is gone, Steph thinks the same, but she looks too smug for me. She knows something.

Vote, vote, vote, tally tally tally. And the winner is - Coby, and his flame is extinguished. Let me rephrase that, because I don't think Coby's flame will ever be extinguished. Rather, his torch is snuffed, and he swishes into the jungle, inexplicably thanking the group for the complement. Does he think they were afraid of his Survivor skills? 'Cause it looked to me that they were simply sick of his attitude.

Next week: Janu goes ballistic, the natives get restless, and someone is left alone.

9PM: Yankees and Sox are knotted at 5 in the 6th. I'll have to check SportCenter and see what happened while I was watching the Bozos of Palau.