Guidelines for Platonic Friendship

Here are some guidelines for remaining friends with a woman you are infatuated with. I got a kick out of them.

1. No hugging for greetings or salutations. Hugging is only allowed for personal tragedies or blessed events when the emotional significance of the situation blocks out the knowledge that your boobies are pressing against me. We have hands; lets shake them.

5. No judgment making on any girl that I see. Good or bad, it’s the guy friends' job to belittle and pick apart girlfriends, if a woman does this, it means she wants the guy for herself. So you think she is trashy and dumb? Well, you could have dated me but you just wanted to be friends.

14. No dating any guy who treats you bad or neglects you in any way, that’s just a slap in my face. I fucking adore you.