At work, I park in the garage of a downtown Norfolk shopping mall. Tonight after work I wasn't ready to go home and resume staring at the walls, so I walked around the mall, window shopping. I don't need anything, and I have nobody for which to buy anything. 20-something girls at kiosks stopped me as I passed, trying to sell me handcream, makeup, and other products for my "wife or girlfriend." I politely declined, not wanting to tell them my wife is newly-dead and I have no "girlfriend."

As I walked, I flashed back to a Christmas shopping season over 20 years, maybe 1983. Suzy was my brand-new, unbelievably beautiful girlfriend, and I was in the second year of my first career job, so I had a little bonus money in my pocket. I wandered similarly through Paramus Park mall, picking up little nothings for all the loved ones in my life: Suzy, her mom, sister, and auntie, and my Mom and Dad. I remember feeling so happy I had so many people to buy gifts for, and some money with which to buy them. I remember smiling as I walked, utterly content.

What a road I have traveled between those two mall walks. I lost Suzy for 8 years, won her back, married her, lost her auntie, lost my dad, lost my mom, and lost Suzy forever. As I drove home tonight, tears were streaming down my face.