The Widow's Diet
Over the last three months, I have lost nearly twenty pounds. Sure I have been running, but the big difference has been my diet. The widow's diet. Can I sell this in a book?
Monday
Breakfast: Wake up staring at the ceiling. Realize it's time to go to work, but that's better than looking at spouse's shoes in the closet and realizing you need to throw them away. Since you're not really hungry, drink bottled water on the ride to work.
Lunch: A pack of Nabs and a Coke (spring for the real Coke because you need the sugar rush).
Dinner: Cook a hamburger on the grill. There are no buns in the house, or bread of any kind for that matter, so eat it plain, with a couple potato chips and a pickle.
Dessert: Listerine before bed.
Tuesday
Breakfast: Starbucks Venti.
Lunch: Turkey and lettuce on a bagel with a bottle of water.
Dinner: Havarti on crackers.
Dessert: Rum and diet Coke.
Nightcap: Listerine before bed.
Wednesday
Breakfast: Orange juice. Rinse out last night's rum and coke so you don't dirty another glass.
Lunch: Work on cataloging your spouse's estate for probate. Hold head in hands in disbelief. Moan quietly under your breath and hope your co-workers don't hear.
Dinner: Tortilla chips and salsa.
Dessert: More rum, thank you very much.
Thursday
Breakfast: None. Oversleep instead.
Lunch: Grilled cheese sandwich and a bottle of water.
Dinner: Tortilla chips and salsa. Again.
Dessert: Surf the internet. Avoid dangerous and potentially expensive websites like Amazon.com, the Apple Store, and eBay.
Friday
Breakfast: Don't be silly. It's Friday; get the hell out of the house.
Lunch: One eggroll.
Dinner: Sam Adams Boston Lager with TGIFriday's frozen potato skins.
Dessert: Sleep.
Saturday
Breakfast: 8 mile run. Feel normal for the only time all week.
Lunch: 20 oz Gatorade and a pack of Nabs.
Dinner: Plain pork chop cooked on the George Foreman Grill, if you remember to defrost it on Friday. If not, hit KFC.
Sunday
Breakfast, Option 1: Watch "FoxNews Sunday."
Breakfast, Option 2: Watch "Meet the Press." This will generate additional weight loss, as you will throw up last night's pork chop when Russert opines on the merits of "Big Russ."
Lunch: A bowl of cereal with skim milk.
Dinner: Go to a restaurant and finally get a real meal, for crying out loud. Do not accept the table by the waitress station or the one near the men's room where they try to isolate single diners.
Dessert: Sit around the house actually crying out loud.
Start over.
Monday
Breakfast: Wake up staring at the ceiling. Realize it's time to go to work, but that's better than looking at spouse's shoes in the closet and realizing you need to throw them away. Since you're not really hungry, drink bottled water on the ride to work.
Lunch: A pack of Nabs and a Coke (spring for the real Coke because you need the sugar rush).
Dinner: Cook a hamburger on the grill. There are no buns in the house, or bread of any kind for that matter, so eat it plain, with a couple potato chips and a pickle.
Dessert: Listerine before bed.
Tuesday
Breakfast: Starbucks Venti.
Lunch: Turkey and lettuce on a bagel with a bottle of water.
Dinner: Havarti on crackers.
Dessert: Rum and diet Coke.
Nightcap: Listerine before bed.
Wednesday
Breakfast: Orange juice. Rinse out last night's rum and coke so you don't dirty another glass.
Lunch: Work on cataloging your spouse's estate for probate. Hold head in hands in disbelief. Moan quietly under your breath and hope your co-workers don't hear.
Dinner: Tortilla chips and salsa.
Dessert: More rum, thank you very much.
Thursday
Breakfast: None. Oversleep instead.
Lunch: Grilled cheese sandwich and a bottle of water.
Dinner: Tortilla chips and salsa. Again.
Dessert: Surf the internet. Avoid dangerous and potentially expensive websites like Amazon.com, the Apple Store, and eBay.
Friday
Breakfast: Don't be silly. It's Friday; get the hell out of the house.
Lunch: One eggroll.
Dinner: Sam Adams Boston Lager with TGIFriday's frozen potato skins.
Dessert: Sleep.
Saturday
Breakfast: 8 mile run. Feel normal for the only time all week.
Lunch: 20 oz Gatorade and a pack of Nabs.
Dinner: Plain pork chop cooked on the George Foreman Grill, if you remember to defrost it on Friday. If not, hit KFC.
Sunday
Breakfast, Option 1: Watch "FoxNews Sunday."
Breakfast, Option 2: Watch "Meet the Press." This will generate additional weight loss, as you will throw up last night's pork chop when Russert opines on the merits of "Big Russ."
Lunch: A bowl of cereal with skim milk.
Dinner: Go to a restaurant and finally get a real meal, for crying out loud. Do not accept the table by the waitress station or the one near the men's room where they try to isolate single diners.
Dessert: Sit around the house actually crying out loud.
Start over.
posted by Kurt at
11:41 PM
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