Survivor Palau: Episode 11

Disclaimer: This week's recap is even lamer than most. The show ran an hour later than normal and crowded my bedtime, and a pulled muscle in my back made hunching over a keyboard somewhat painful. Still, here we go.

Night 27 finds the Survivors baffled by Probst's brow-beating them out of a vote. "What the hell was that?" asks Ian. Steph, who was essentially saved by Probst, is at the same time confused and ticked off. Tom proceeds to blow smoke up her tail, saying that they had all changed their minds anyway. Steph pledges to figure out what is going on, but I don't think she will have much luck, because no one else knows what's going on. Gregg is scared, because Steph is destabilizing his little world. Word to Gregg: a woman like Steph would destabilize any world you occupy.

Day 28 finds Steph trying still noodling. I note that this is a lotta Steph real quick; are the editors playing the old "higlight tonight's loser" game?

For his part, Tom pleads for mercy. The guy who killed a freaking shark with his bare hands pleads for his life, although nobody seems moved at all. In fact, the irony is not lost on the others either.

The women dance around a tentative alliance, subject to Caryn's approval, and Tom is identified as a likely target for elimination. I might pause here to remark upon Steph's right thigh. Best. Looking. Gam. Ever. Mia Hamm would covet those thighs. Hell, Derek Jeter would like legs like that. Word to Steph's boyfriend in New Jersey: You da man.

Day 28 and treemail arrives. Tom predicts food and money. And he's right. Time for the de riguer Survivor food auction, possibly the dullest reward game on the show. Each survivor is given $500US to spend on whatever is up for bids. Probst helpfully tells us this is the same currency used on Palau. Does Greenspan know about this?

First item is covered by a tent, up for blind bids. Jenn wins at $120 and buys an ice cream sundae. It's so good, she is literally shaking.

Item 2, again blind. Steph and Caryn team up to spend $260 and then Probst goes all Monty Hall on them. They can keep what they bought or trade for the box that Jay is bringing down the aisle. (Readers under 40 will have no idea what that means) They make the switch, giving up crackers and cheese for a cheeseburger, fries, and a soft drink. I guess the producer couldn't even get Mr. Pibb to buck up for that promo.

Item 3 goes to Ian for $300, with Gregg paying $20 for a bite. Ian gets the same bait and switch treatment, but sticks with his original purchase. He ends up with spaghetti and garlic bread, avoiding the live sand crabs on Jay's tray. Close call. Ian is so happy he hugs Probst, who promptly declares, "Wow you smell, Ian! You reek."

Item 4 is revealed. a cold beer, bought promptly by Ian for $40 to wash down his spaghetti.

Item 5 is letters from home. Tom, who has not bought a food item yet, wins with a $220 bid.

That marks the end of the auction, and Caryn, Steph, and Kim all have enough cash to match Tom's bid and buy their letter, too. As they leave, Probst remarks, "This is one of the few days you like me." And Tom turns and says, "You're right." And I think he means it.

Back at the beach, Steph sits down and reads her letters, while Ian takes a bath so as not to offend King Probst again. Gregg is enlisted to help him scrub, to many "not that there's anything wrong with that" type snarky comments from the rest of the tribe.

Day 29 finds Tom trying to win Caryn over and short-circuit Steph's all girl alliance, then it's on to immunity challenge. And it's the bean bag toss game, except with coconuts landing on tiles. First Survivor to have all five of their tiles broken wins.

Off they go, sometimes hitting their own tile, sometimes an opponent's. And they couldn't edit any excitement into this, because this is really boring television. Again. Eventually, Ian wins immunity when Tom accidently breaks his tile. At least that is what it sounded like. I was in the bathroom flossing and plucking nose hairs, which was more entertaining.

Back at the beach after the challenge, a thunderstorm is on, so nobody can get away to talk strategy. Eventually, Katie corners Caryn for the girls alliance. In my mind it's clear - the four girls should ally and run to the end together. They have the numbers and would be almost unstoppable. But dumbass Caryn doesn't know what to do.

So she runs to Tom and gossips, trying to play both sides of the aisle, and destroying the girls alliance. And this is a lawyer? If this is her best game face, I'd rather have reknowned screw-up Marcia Clark on my side than this woman. Anyhoo, the strategy talk is purposely edited to confuse, so who can tell what will happen. For his part, Gregg goes Machiavelian: "Stay with the plan." Of course, everyone has a different plan, with each hoping to win, so this is a pretty meaningless strategy.

Tribal Council, and the tribe marches in, followed by the jury. Coby is dressed in some sort of black gown, and Janu has been transformed from a wrinkling skeleton to a - well, to a glamorous Las Vegas showgirl. Leaving might have been her best move yet, even if Probst had to talk her into it.

Probst quizzes, and Steph postulates that the stress she has been feeling for 29 days is finally being visited upon this tribe.

The voting begins, as always edited to reveal notihing. Probst tallies 'em up. And Steph is gone.

Next week: Well here we are. Now what?