Bureaucratese Translated

Anybody that has ever dealt with a government agent knows these catchphrases oh too well.

BUREAUCRAT: That’s very interesting.
MEANING: I disagree.

BUREAUCRAT: I don’t disagree.
MEANING: I disagree.

BUREAUCRAT: I don’t totally disagree with you.
MEANING: You may be right but I don’t care.

BUREAUCRAT: You have to show some flexibility.
MEANING: You have to do it whether you want to or not.

BUREAUCRAT: We have an opportunity.
MEANING: You have a problem.

BUREAUCRAT: Help me to understand.
MEANING: I don’t know what you’re talking about, and I don’t think you do either.

BUREAUCRAT: You need to see the big picture.
MEANING: My boss thinks it’s a good idea.

BUREAUCRAT: My mind is made up. I am adamant on the subject. There is no room for discussion. But if you do want to discuss it further, my door is always open.
MEANING: Fuck you.

BUREAUCRAT: We’re going to follow a strict methodology here.
MEANING: We’re going to do it my way.

BUREAUCRAT: I didn’t understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary?
MEANING: I still can’t figure out how to start the e-mail program.

BUREAUCRAT: We have to leverage our resources.
MEANING: You’ll be working on weekends.

BUREAUCRAT: You need to be more proactive.
MEANING: You should have protected me from myself.

BUREAUCRAT: I’d like your buy-in on this.
MEANING: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.

BUREAUCRAT: We want you to be the executive champion of this project.
MEANING: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.

BUREAUCRAT: We need to syndicate this decision.
MEANING: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.

BUREAUCRAT: We have to put on our marketing hats.
MEANING: We have to put ethics aside.

BUREAUCRAT: It’s not possible. It’s impractical. It won’t work.
MEANING: I don’t know how to do it.

BUREAUCRAT: It’s a no-brainer.
MEANING: It’s a perfect decision for me to handle.

BUREAUCRAT: I’m glad you asked me that.
MEANING: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.

BUREAUCRAT: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal.
MEANING: One person couldn’t possibly come up with something this stupid.

BUREAUCRAT: There are larger issues at stake.
MEANING: I’ve made up my mind, so don’t bother me with the facts.

BUREAUCRAT: I’ll never lie to you.
MEANING: The truth will change frequently.

BUREAUCRAT: Our agency is going through a paradigm shift.
MEANING: We have no idea what we’ve been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different.

BUREAUCRAT: Value-added.
MEANING: Expensive.

Hat-Tip: Brother Jim