Survivor Palau: Episode 3
As 8 PM approaches, I have assembled the tools of the trade, at least as I practice it: the TiVo is set, my old Handspring is attached to its keyboard on a TV tray, and a well-iced Tanqueray and tonic sits at my right hand. Let the games begin.
At Ulong beach on night 6, the tribe complains about Probst's questions. If they think he's obnoxious now, they are in for a long haul. All he ever does is ask inane questions and say "Survivors ready! Go!"
Social scientist and way-too-southern steelworker James has this to say about Jeff and Kim: "Everbahdy seez what thar doin. Raht now thair cuddlin'. Next week they goan be makin' out. Yoo now. Suckkin fayce and stuff. She's a wooman. And all she has ta her avantage ... is her sexyality." Educated men all over dixie cringe in embarrassment.
At Koror, it's pouring rain, and they still don't have adequate shelter. On day 7. These idiots haven't solved problem #1 in a freaking week. Later, we are treated to Gay Colby in a banana hammock dragging a giant pole into camp. Freud is spinning like a gyroscope.
A catfight between Caryn and Katie results in ... a promise not to talk to each other. No hair pulling, no torn bras, not flailing. Worst. Catfight. Ever.
Later, both tribes gather for the reward challenge, which will entail both tribes fighting each other over a lifering. Winner takes home - wait for it - a sewing kit. Probst observes that if something isn't done about the clothing situation, the show will have to move to Cinemax, and Southern James says "hail yeah."
The battle ensues, a tug of war in the water, first the men, then the women, then mixed doubles. Ulong dominates, with Pierced Angie the ultimate dominatrix. All those long nights in leather masks and bustiers pays off for Angie, who helps her tribe bring home needles. Will she use them to pierce something, or dip them in ink for a new jailhouse tattoo? Only time will tell.
Ulong celebrates, with Stephenie speculating that she can do something with the jar. What that might be, we don't know, unless drug testing has become part of Tribal Council. Apparently exhausted from their exhultation over some thread, needles, and a jar, the tribe promptly crashes on the beach, to Bobby Jon's disgust. He sets to knocking coconuts out of trees while Kim watches. Kim speculates he will be of no use if he keeps it up. Kim, meanwhile, is of no use right now.
Over at Koror, Fireman Tom and Ian are killing venomous snakes. For no apparent reason, beyond fun. Much to their surprise, the bleeding headless snakes attract sharks. Which they decide to hunt by throwing pointed sticks, unsuprisingly to no effect. But at least they aren't lying around sleeping like Ulong, so it makes for marginally better TV.
Flash to Ulong beach, night 7. Jeff has sprained his ankle on a rogue coconut on his way back from "the little boys room." The particulars of personal elimination in this game are never elaborated upon, and for that I am thankful.
Come the morning of day 8, Jeff is still hobbled by a swollen ankle. Unfortunately, it's time for immunity challenge.
The tribes assemble before the great Probst, to discover that the challenge is to chase each other in an oval through waist deep water while carring weighted backpacks. In other words, to pass the fireman's exam. Why don't they just give this thing to Koror and Fireman Tom?
Well, they can't. So on we go. Hobbled Jeff drops out before it starts, but the chase takes longer than anyone could have imagined. The women collapse, time passes, and Colby feints in the wilting sun.
Koror, led of course by Fireman Tom, eventually puts on a burst of speed to overcome Ulong and win immunity.
Back Ulong beach, Jeff thows himself on the grenade, saying there is no reason to vote anyone else off. The rest of the tribe seems to decide Jeff is better with a bad ankle than Kim in her prime. But by now we all know that careful editing makes what the tribe seems to decide irrelevent. Otherwise, why wait to see Tribal Council when we could catch the last segment of the O'Reilly Factor?
At Tribal Council, Ulong's third in a row, Bobby Jon pays props to Fireman Tom, a "man among men." Jeff waxes on about his ankle, prompting Probst to ask sternly, "What's your point?" C'mon, Probst, let the guy talk! He's hurt, after all. The editors can keep things moving in the cutting room. Southern James repeats the truest words of the night: "We doan even know what we're gonna do until we do it." Too true, Jimbo, too true.
The votes are counted, and Jeff is given his wish. He hobbles into the darkness, the victim of both a full bladder and an unmarked cocoanut. One can only hope that the Palauns with Disabilities Act will make things easier for Jeff, now that he is out from under Mark Burnett's thumb.
Next week: Ulong freaks out in spite of James's exhortations.
At Ulong beach on night 6, the tribe complains about Probst's questions. If they think he's obnoxious now, they are in for a long haul. All he ever does is ask inane questions and say "Survivors ready! Go!"
Social scientist and way-too-southern steelworker James has this to say about Jeff and Kim: "Everbahdy seez what thar doin. Raht now thair cuddlin'. Next week they goan be makin' out. Yoo now. Suckkin fayce and stuff. She's a wooman. And all she has ta her avantage ... is her sexyality." Educated men all over dixie cringe in embarrassment.
At Koror, it's pouring rain, and they still don't have adequate shelter. On day 7. These idiots haven't solved problem #1 in a freaking week. Later, we are treated to Gay Colby in a banana hammock dragging a giant pole into camp. Freud is spinning like a gyroscope.
A catfight between Caryn and Katie results in ... a promise not to talk to each other. No hair pulling, no torn bras, not flailing. Worst. Catfight. Ever.
Later, both tribes gather for the reward challenge, which will entail both tribes fighting each other over a lifering. Winner takes home - wait for it - a sewing kit. Probst observes that if something isn't done about the clothing situation, the show will have to move to Cinemax, and Southern James says "hail yeah."
The battle ensues, a tug of war in the water, first the men, then the women, then mixed doubles. Ulong dominates, with Pierced Angie the ultimate dominatrix. All those long nights in leather masks and bustiers pays off for Angie, who helps her tribe bring home needles. Will she use them to pierce something, or dip them in ink for a new jailhouse tattoo? Only time will tell.
Ulong celebrates, with Stephenie speculating that she can do something with the jar. What that might be, we don't know, unless drug testing has become part of Tribal Council. Apparently exhausted from their exhultation over some thread, needles, and a jar, the tribe promptly crashes on the beach, to Bobby Jon's disgust. He sets to knocking coconuts out of trees while Kim watches. Kim speculates he will be of no use if he keeps it up. Kim, meanwhile, is of no use right now.
Over at Koror, Fireman Tom and Ian are killing venomous snakes. For no apparent reason, beyond fun. Much to their surprise, the bleeding headless snakes attract sharks. Which they decide to hunt by throwing pointed sticks, unsuprisingly to no effect. But at least they aren't lying around sleeping like Ulong, so it makes for marginally better TV.
Flash to Ulong beach, night 7. Jeff has sprained his ankle on a rogue coconut on his way back from "the little boys room." The particulars of personal elimination in this game are never elaborated upon, and for that I am thankful.
Come the morning of day 8, Jeff is still hobbled by a swollen ankle. Unfortunately, it's time for immunity challenge.
The tribes assemble before the great Probst, to discover that the challenge is to chase each other in an oval through waist deep water while carring weighted backpacks. In other words, to pass the fireman's exam. Why don't they just give this thing to Koror and Fireman Tom?
Well, they can't. So on we go. Hobbled Jeff drops out before it starts, but the chase takes longer than anyone could have imagined. The women collapse, time passes, and Colby feints in the wilting sun.
Koror, led of course by Fireman Tom, eventually puts on a burst of speed to overcome Ulong and win immunity.
Back Ulong beach, Jeff thows himself on the grenade, saying there is no reason to vote anyone else off. The rest of the tribe seems to decide Jeff is better with a bad ankle than Kim in her prime. But by now we all know that careful editing makes what the tribe seems to decide irrelevent. Otherwise, why wait to see Tribal Council when we could catch the last segment of the O'Reilly Factor?
At Tribal Council, Ulong's third in a row, Bobby Jon pays props to Fireman Tom, a "man among men." Jeff waxes on about his ankle, prompting Probst to ask sternly, "What's your point?" C'mon, Probst, let the guy talk! He's hurt, after all. The editors can keep things moving in the cutting room. Southern James repeats the truest words of the night: "We doan even know what we're gonna do until we do it." Too true, Jimbo, too true.
The votes are counted, and Jeff is given his wish. He hobbles into the darkness, the victim of both a full bladder and an unmarked cocoanut. One can only hope that the Palauns with Disabilities Act will make things easier for Jeff, now that he is out from under Mark Burnett's thumb.
Next week: Ulong freaks out in spite of James's exhortations.
posted by Kurt at
9:09 AM
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